Jesus, called the Christ, died upon the Cross, and on the third day (if you count the day he died – it’s actually closer to about half that, sunset Friday to sunrise Sunday) rose again. And not being in a patient mood, rolled aside the stone closing his tomb from the inside (no easy task, but a minor miracle compared to the whole resurrection thing) and set about doing the Lord’s work.
40 days later, he ascended bodily into Heaven, and this time, he stayed there, barring the occasional cameo on a bit of toast.
It is the central event of Christianity: Jesus Christ surrendered to the Romans, was briefly tried by Pontius Pilate, and sent to be crucified. Once up on the cross, he died in an unusually short time (crucifixion is a slow and painful death). In his last words, he called on his heavenly father, saying “Eli Eli lama sabachthani?” (in English “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?”). (At least, he did according to the Gospels of Mark and Matthew – John and Luke each tell different stories.)
When the Romans came by to break the legs of the crucified (a measure that hastens death), they discovered that Jesus was already dead. He was taken down and buried, rising from the dead on the third day (somewhat undermining the “last words” thing, but he’s the Son of God. Different rules apply.)
Today, these events are commemorated by the eating of chocolate (not introduced to Europe, Asia and Africa until 14 centuries later) delivered by a rabbit (because… I have no idea why).
So, in the course of their travels, Jesus sent the disciples on ahead of him to Bethsaida, a journey they made by taking a boat across the Sea of Galilee. A storm blew up, and the disciples were in fear of their lives before Jesus walked across the surface of the lake, supported by nothing more than water (and the ineffable power of the God of Israel). Tthe disciples were understandably discombobulated by this apparent apparition, but then Jesus climbed into the boat himself, proving that he was real.
In what is something of a common theme for Simon Peter – although this time mentioned only in Matthew – the future first Pope started off with good intentions but lost faith quickly. He walked out onto the water towards Jesus, but then became afraid, and began to sink. Jesus pulled him from the water and they both walked back to the boat.
In February 1992, Jeffrey Dahmer’s trial began. He was convicted of fifteen charges of murder, for a total sentence of 957 years, after his attempt to plead insanity was rejected.
He was attacked once in July of 1994 by another inmate who attempted to cut his throat. On November 28, 1994, he was attacked by Christropher Scarver, another inmate, who beat Dahmer to death with a bar taken from a weight-lifting device.
Couldn’t have happened to a nicer asshole.
Dahmer’s Dead — Macabre
Dahmer is Dead — Violent Femmes