Dyziplen

Kimmy Schmidt

Dyziplen is the trade name of the behaviour-modifying drug Nitrosedaticam Dedehydro Epoxy Methylmorphixan Diacectate Calminhydrate. Sold in the form of 400mg capsules, Dyziplen is the latest and most fashionable treatment for misbehaving children among the wealthy trophy wives of Manhattan. It is the go-to treatment for hyperactivity, ADHD and Kanye West Spectrum Disorder. It’s not handed out as the treatment for a particular diagnosis, but just for kids who are, you know, inconveniently behaving like kids.

Dyziplen takes a little while to kick in, but once it does, it turns the user into a polite, well-spoken, emotionless, slow-moving automaton who is incapable of recognising music or colour. It’s very likely that a certain amount of bribery caused this dangerously strong chemical to be fast-tracked through the approvals process by the FDA.