33 CE — Jesus returns from dead

And on the the third day, He rose again.

Jesus, called the Christ, died upon the Cross, and on the third day (if you count the day he died – it’s actually closer to about half that, sunset Friday to sunrise Sunday) rose again. And not being in a patient mood, rolled aside the stone closing his tomb from the inside (no easy task, but a minor miracle compared to the whole resurrection thing) and set about doing the Lord’s work.

40 days later, he ascended bodily into Heaven, and this time, he stayed there, barring the occasional cameo on a bit of toast.

Referenced in:

Vow — Garbage
John the Revelator — Son House
Tomorrow, Wendy — Andy Prieboy
The Post-War Dream — Pink Floyd
Tomorrow, Wendy — Concrete Blonde
Jesus Walking On The Water — Violent Femmes

33 CE — Jesus prays in the Garden of Gethsemane

Known to Christians as the “Agony in the Garden”, Christ’s prayers in the Garden of Gethsemane on the Mount of Olives are mentioned in John 18:1, Matthew 26:36-45 (the only account to name the garden) and Luke 22:39-46. Accompanied by three of the Apostles – Peter, John and James – Christ retired to the garden to pray that God would permit him to not go through with his sacrifice and Crucifixion the following day.

The agony here is, of course, spiritual and emotional rather than physical. That would follow very shortly, however: immediately upon leaving the garden, Christ encounters Judas, a meeting which will result in the deaths of both men before the following sunset.

Referenced in:

John the Revelator — Son House

Note: This date is based on the traditional date of the Crucifixion as April 3.

November 1, 4004 BCE — Adam hides his nakedness from God

Stop me if you heard this one: so, a naive chick is tricked by some snake into eating something she probably shouldn’t have. Suddenly much less naive, she tricks her partner into seeing things her way. We’ve all heard it a million times, right? Except that in this case, the chick is Eve, the snake is better known as the Serpent in the Garden, and her partner, of course, is Adam.

It turns out that eating from the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil tells you that it is evil to be naked, which is why when God (who is elsewhere desrcibed as both omniscient and omni-present) comes back, Adam hides from Him, so that God – who has seen him naked as often – if not more often – than any parent has ever seen their child, will not see him naked again.

Anyway, it’s all holy and ineffable, so quit your snickering.

95 CE — St John of Patmos writes the Book of Revelation

Scholars disagree on exactly when the Book of Revelation – the final book of the Bible with all the trippy prophecies and inspiration to thousands of horror writers and heavy metal bands – was actually written. The date given above is the current scholarly consensus, but far from certain.

St John is not the same St John who was an apostle, nor the one who wrote the gospel of that name, and most certainly not John the Baptist. He was a man of strong Christian faith and, according to some, a fondness for hallucinogenic mushrooms.

The Book of Revelation (also known as The Book of Apocalypse or the Apocalypse of St John – the word’s modern meaning has shifted due to being the title of this work; it was originally a synonym for revelation) is the last book of the Bible in more ways than one. Aside from its placement at the very end, it was also the last book to be accepted as canonical by the Christian Church, its place in canon not certain until the Synod of Carthage in 397 CE, and then only after strong objection.

Referenced in:

John the Revelator — Son House