Jannah

  • Type: Heaven
  • Origin: The Koran
  • Admission: Righteous People of the Book, some animals

Jannah is the Islamic version of Paradise, and for a Heaven, it’s surprisingly full of adult content and shameless hypocrisy: you basically get to indulge in endless materialism, gluttony and sensuality. You know, all the things you were told not to do in life if you wanted to ever get in here. At least, you get to do this if you’re a man. As with most medieval era heavens, there’s a curious division of the roles of women – either they’re virtuous former living people, in which case they apparently rank highly (whatever that means), or they’re houris, who appear to be angelic beings of pure lust (and rare skill).

Physically, Jannah is like an unusually picturesque and tame wilderness – less red-in-tooth-and-claw, more Disney. It also contains both horses and camels, although it’s unclear whether these beasts are earthly critters admitted to paradise upon death or more angelic spirits like the houris (although hopefully less carnal in nature).

Getting in requires the usual mix of good deeds and submission to authority (both mundane and divine). Unlike many religions, Islam does not require one to be Islamic in order to enter its heaven – virtuous Jews and Christians may still be admitted, although it is less clear what those who are not People of the Book can do. Possibly, there is a Heavenly library where they can study for the final exam.

Although it has much to recommend it on a casual examination, it’s worth keeping in mind that, assuming that their beliefs are accurate, modern day Jannah is overwhelmingly populated by successful suicide bombers.