Bill & Ted and Kiss

Alright The Centre Cannot Hold readers. You wanted the best and you got the best: the hottest band in the world, KISS!

Seriously, though, what does the world’s most avaricious marketing machine have in common with two guys whose mentor was George Carlin?
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Bill and Ted’s Hell

The Hell of Bill and Ted has two aspects. One is a rocky, fiery realm occupied by huge cast iron machines and Satan himself. It resembles nothing so much as, well, a million heavy metal album covers (despite what the dudes say to the contrary).

The second aspect is an apparently endless series of corridors, in which opening any of the many doors will lead you directly to your personal hell (or a shared ‘personal’ hell if you’re in numbers). The hells are cartoonishly distorted, and occupied by either your worst fears or your greatest regrets. They are, however, fairly easy to escape, although the principal occupants of them will pursue you into the corridors. Of course, you can always choose to play the Grim Reaper and possibly win back your life.

Despite my dismissal of its dangers above, there are few images in modern cinema I find more terrrifying than that of Granny S. Preston Esq.

Bill and Ted’s Heaven

Heaven, for Bill S. Preston Esq. and Ted ‘Theodore’ Logan, is a purple series of regular cities, floating through an endless white void like the contents of an unusually serene and orderly lava lamp. Admission is fairly straight forward – you merely need to tell the gatekeepers what the meaning of life is. (By implication, this meaning is personal and different for each person, but can almost certainly be found in the lyrics of a popular song.)

Everyone arrives in Heaven wearing whatever they had on when they died, only changed to a muted colour scheme of whites and mauves. Within its gates, the great and the good amuse themselves with pastimes such as charades. And God himself is a distant presence, although willing to intervene to assist those who petition him. He is, as Bill puts it, “a just and noble Creator.”

Insofar as Heavens go, this one is kinda G-rated. It seems like a nice place to visit, if one can deal with the monotony of the colour scheme, but it is entirely too much like a retirement home for some tastes. Like mine.

Bill and Ted’s Bogus Journey (1991)

VHS | DVD | Download

Soundtrack Tracklist:

  1. Shout It Out — Slaughter
  2. Battle Stations — Winger
  3. God Gave Rock & Roll to You — Kiss
  4. Drinking Again — Neverland
  5. Dream of a New Day — Richie Kotzen
  6. Reaper — Steve Vai
  7. Perfect Crime — Faith No More
  8. Go to Hell — Megadeth
  9. Tommy the Cat — Primus
  10. Junior’s Gone Wild — King’s X
  11. Showdown — Love on Ice
  12. Reaper Rap — Steve Vai

Tracks not on Soundtrack:

Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure (1989)

VHS | DVD | Blu-ray | Download

Soundtrack Tracklist:

  1. Play With Me — Extreme
  2. Boys and Girls Are Doing It — Vital Signs
  3. Not So Far Away — Glen Burtnik
  4. Dancing With a Gypsy — Tora Tora
  5. Father Time — Shark Island
  6. I Can’t Break Away — Big Pig
  7. Dangerous — Shark Island
  8. Walk Away — Bricklin
  9. In Time — Robbi Robb
  10. Two Heads Are Better Than One — Power Tool

Tracks not on Soundtrack: