The guiding assumption of this proposal is that people wish to censor the internet due to the inherent offensiveness of the words themselves. A simple code of substitutions [...]]]> Warning: this post contains a large amount of language that many people would consider offensive. But it’s just text, so it’s probably fairly safe for work.

The guiding assumption of this proposal is that people wish to censor the internet due to the inherent offensiveness of the words themselves. A simple code of substitutions should suffice to take care of that, and since it seems unlikely that anyone in politics finds their own name offensive, I have used the names of prominent politicians as the substitutes.*

Compound words are formed in the normal way: a person can be a Bishop-kicking mother-Joycer, a complete Rudding Tuckey-hole, an Abbot-head or just a Bolter who’s off their McKews.

* I cannot claim full credit for this idea, as it is adapted from the one used by Robert Anton Wilson in his novel The Trick Top Hat- I have merely changed the names to reflect the current Australian political climate.

So I propose that we [...]]]> Like every other fan of Australian political theatre, I’ve been following the Ozcar affair. But I really object to it being called Utegate. We’re Australians. We don’t have -gates. That’s an American shorthand for a political scandal. We have our own term for these things, or at least, we should.

So I propose that we innaugrate a new, Australian cliche: The Overboard.

The Overboard is named, of course, for Children Overboard Affair. I think everything should be an “overboard affair”, mostly because the word affair is broader than the word scandal, and also, it’s a homage to the Man from U.N.C.L.E.

But that’s not enough. That won’t get this established. That’s going to take a little more. So here, in reverse chronological order, are a few of the better Australian political scandals:

2009 – The Email Overboard Affair
Also known as the Ozcar affair or the Utegate scandal.

2006 – The Wheat Overboard Affair
Also known as the Australian Wheat Board kickbacks affair.

2001 – The Children Overboard Affair
Okay, this one was already called that. I just like to remind people of the sneaky, weaselly behaviour of a certain government in power at the time.

1998 – The Kernot Overboard Affair
One of the few things listed here to involve an actual affair.

1992 – The WA Inc Overboard Affair
This one actually led to a Royal Commission.

1987 – The Bjelke Overboard Affair
From the Fitzgerald Inquiry to his resignation.

1975 – The Constitution Overboard Affair
C’mon, you know what this is already.

1966 – The Prime Minister Overboard Affair
Technically, he was in the ocean. That’s overboard, right?

And on that note, I’ve probably indulged in enough bad taste for now…