Cake

Cake is a made up drug which is a metabolically bisturbile cranabolic amphetamoid, originating from the Czech Republic. After becoming popular in Prague at so-called “boom raves”, it spread to other European cities, notably London. It is so new that it was technically legal when it first reached the United Kingdom in 1997, in what became known as the ‘summer of death’.

Side effects of Cake include severe water retention, especially in the neck (a symptom referred to as ‘Czech Neck’, which is caused by the yellow dye frequently used to increase the visual appeal of the drug). Another common symptom is massive dehydration, caused by the body expelling the water via tears or vomit. Another effect of Cake, via its active chemical, dimesmeric anson-phosphate, a psychoactive that affects the part of the brain known as Shatner’s Bassoon, which deals with time perception, elongating it massively. Frequent users often experience symptoms of depression.

Cake is also known as “loonytoad quack”, “Joss Ackland’s spunky backpack”, “ponce on the heath”, “rustledust”, or “Hattie Jacques pretentious cheese wog”, and was once the subject of a question in Parliament by MP David Amess (Conservative Party Member for Basildon).

The scourge of Cake has apparently now been defeated, as it has not been sighted on the streets of Europe for well over a decade.

Krystal

It is actually unclear whether or not Krystal actually exists, even in its own context. It may be that it is simply a mixture of whatever drugs Wallace Sage had to hand when he tried to commit suicide – a cocktail of aspirin, acid and whatever else he could find. It may be that it is a substance powerful enough to project the user into another context entirely. It may be that is nothing more than a syringe full of green ink.

Whatever it is, taking it is invariably fatal, unless it isn’t, and tends to make one either hallucinate that one is a superhero and that other superheroes are also real; or, more disturbingly, actually project you into a world where you are a superhero alongside other superheroes. I’d explain it more clearly, but that’s the magic of Grant Morrison.

Mega Dope

Little is known about Mega Dope other than that, on the mean streets of 2006 Detroit, it gets you Mega High! The Kickpuncher, a cybernetic cop whose punches have the force of kicks, fights a lonely struggle to end its scourge.

At least, he does in the fictional Kickpuncher movie franchise beloved of Troy Barnes and Abed Nadir, as well as several other students of Greendale Community College.

Related drugs: Joyvetrex and Relaxorex.

Skyfish Testes

How metafictional can a metafictional drug get? Skyfish Testes is a strong contender for the most metafictional drug ever. Not only is it explicitly fictional in its own context, but that context is an hallucination occurring as part of a larger story, rendering it doubly fictional.

Skyfish Testes, if they existed, would be a treatment for cancer of the soul and mental cirrhosis – although not one that Delmar Insurance would cover. But they don’t exist, and to claim that they do is just silly.

Everyone knows that skyfish don’t have testes…

The Drug that does not exist

There is no drug more pernicious or addicting than this. Fortunately, there is also no drug more rare or hard to find. In fact, you can only find it in the movie version of Naked Lunch.

The Drug That Does Not Exist appears to be a creation of the fevered imagination of withdrawing multiply-addicted writer William Lee. God only knows what he was addicted to at that point – Bug Powder, Mugwump Jism, the Black Meat, and possibly even some real drugs like heroin or morphine…

For obvious reasons, little is known about this drug. But the smart money says that William Lee is right, and that withdrawal from it is a real bitch…

After all, if a man as experienced in the matters of addiction and withdrawal as William Lee is absolutely terrified of this particular withdrawal above all others, then it’s something the rest of us are better off not knowing too much about.

Related drugs: The Black Meat, Bug Powder and Mugwump Jism.

X-Drugs

X-Drugs are like a stronger form of LSD. So strong, in fact, that they grant the user a certain amount of superpowers – including telekinesis, teleportation, intangebility, reversal of personal gravity and super-speed – while they last. A standard dose lasts a short time – an hour or so – and reportedly, the experience is quite a rush. Despite the name, there is in fact only one X-Drug, although it is often tailored to the DNA of the user for maximum effectiveness.

The principle by which X-Drugs operate is based on an unusual interpretation of certain aspects of quantum physics, notably Heisenberg’s Uncertainty Principle. They allow the user to make the apparent manipulation of reality by consciousness under LSD to be an actual manipulation, albeit of a strongly limited nature.

X-Drugs were created by an unamed former faculty member at UC Berkeley, and later improved by both the Scary Clowns and their enemies, the Troop.

No, actually, all of the above is a lie: there are no X-Drugs: they are fictional even in the context of the fiction in which they appear, and their effects were simulated by the Scary Clowns for their own purposes.