“Zoolander” in Earth-Prime

Who’s in it?
During the dispute between Derek Zoolander and Hansel, the two models agree to a walk off: they will competitively model for the gathered audience. But things are briefly delayed when the pair realise that they need a judge for the contest. Fortunately, David Bowie volunteers his services:

Also appearing as themselves in “Zoolander” are the following celebrities: Melania Trump, Victoria Beckham, Emma Bunton, Christian Slater, Tom Ford, Cuba Gooding, Jr., Steve Kmetko, Tommy Hilfiger, Natalie Portman, Anne Meara, Fabio Lanzoni, Lenny Kravitz, Maggie Rizer, Gwen Stefani, Gavin Rossdale, Heidi Klum, Mark Ronson, Paris Hilton, Tyson Beckford, Fred Durst, Lance Bass, Lil’ Kim, Garry Shandling, Stephen Dorff, Sandra Bernhard, Claudia Schiffer, Veronica Webb, Lukas Haas, Carmen Kass, Frankie Rayder, Karl Lagerfeld, Winona Ryder, Billy Zane, Irina Pantaeva, Donatella Versace, and Donald Trump.

What it tells us about Earth-Prime:
For at least two centuries, the fashion industry was led by a secretive conspiracy of leading designers. Their identities are not known, other than Jacobin Mugatu (although Giorgio Armani is implied to be a member of the conspiracy’s ruling council). The conspiracy was responsible for any number of major assassinations, including those of Us Presidents Abraham Lincoln and John Fitzgerald Kennedy, using brainwashed male models as their assassins. After they were exposed, and several members of the conspiracy faced criminal charges, it appears that the organisation may have dissolved – or perhaps it is simply lying low, until such time as it needs to act again…

Earth-Prime Expanded: an introduction

Some of you may not be aware of this, but we – you, and I, and all the other entities reading this – exist in a particular timeline designated Earth-Prime. (This designation was first devised by the creators at DC Comics back in 1968.) Earth-Prime is the real world, although not quite as we know it. Several DC characters have traveled here from time to time (first the Flash, in 1968, and most famously, Animal Man in 1990). Marvel has a similar thing called Earth-1218, and the basic concept is reflected in numerous other works (although not “Sliders”, which confusingly used the name but not the concept).

What this implies, of course, is that any time in a movie or television show that a real person appears as themself, is that this means that the show or movie in question takes place on Earth-Prime. Now, obviously this cannot apply to all appearances, only those that could reasonably be assumed to take place on our own world. The rules that guide this are as follows:

  • Earth cannot be depicted to be significantly different from our own in terms of history. Small events may be different, and the reasons behind things may vary, but overall history is intact.
  • There cannot be openly supernatural entities or powers whose existence is known to the general populace. Not that these things cannot exist, but they are closely held secrets if they do.
  • Similarly, there cannot be aliens, alien technologies or super-advanced human technologies widely known to the general populace.
  • Persons must appear as themselves – they cannot be playing a character or being played by someone else.
  • In film and television only, animated depictions do not qualify.
  • In written works, only appearances of the author or authors (including artists, for comics) qualify for inclusion.

For example, Jim Cramer’s appearance in the first Iron Man film clearly does not take on Earth-Prime, because the Marvel Cinematic Universe is clearly a different timeline from our own – but his appearances on Arrested Development probably do.

Starting with the very next post today, I’ll be creating a list of these here, with as much detail as I can provide. I hope you’ll enjoy reading them as much as I enjoy writing them.