Seriously, Mike: Worst. Apology. Ever.

You’ll admit you were never wrong? How [...]]]> I said “go if you wanna go, stay if you wanna stay”
I didn’t care if you hung around me
I didn’t care if you went away
And I know you were never right
I’ll admit I was never wrong

Seriously, Mike: Worst. Apology. Ever.

You’ll admit you were never wrong? How big of you. Have you considered that if you didn’t sound so much like an arrogant, patronising git, you might not actually need a miracle?

Seriously, dude, you deserve to miss her for the rest of your life – and she deserves to never give you another thought.

Umm, okay.  This is the relationship you’re desperate to go back to?  Where the guy beats you?  I mean, okay, you want him to, and maybe it’s some sort of completely adult consensual S&M type thing which is no one’s [...]]]> “Give me a sign – hit me baby one more time”

Umm, okay.  This is the relationship you’re desperate to go back to?  Where the guy beats you?  I mean, okay, you want him to, and maybe it’s some sort of completely adult consensual S&M type thing which is no one’s business but yours and his…

…of course, if that’s the case, why did you make millions of people all over the world hear about it?

In answer to your questions:

Okay, I’m a little confused. In a clip mostly notable for how much blue denim it features, it appears that a country singer is prophesying [...]]]> Black velvet and that little boy’s smile
Black velvet with that slow southern style
A new religion that’ll bring ya to your knees
Black velvet if you please

Okay, I’m a little confused. In a clip mostly notable for how much blue denim it features, it appears that a country singer is prophesying the coming of some sort of Gothic cult to her beloved Dixie…

Which presumably means that Alannah Myles predicted “True Blood” a good decade or so before Charlaine Harris published the first one.

Assume for a moment that we can accept the premise that we need to justify our lives – I don’t, actually, but assume it. So, people need to justify their lives. But apparently, all [...]]]> People need to justify their lives, lives, lives
You see you were born, born, born to be alive

Assume for a moment that we can accept the premise that we need to justify our lives – I don’t, actually, but assume it. So, people need to justify their lives. But apparently, all it takes to justify a life is the simple fact that it exists. So, what’s the point of telling people to justify their lives when they apparently come pre-justified?

Patrick old man, I don’t think you’ve really thought this one through.

Yes, this is the same song that Smash Mouth murdered a few years back – Colourfield also did a version at one point, and in fact, the first act to record it was the Four Seasons.  (I just [...]]]> “I love you so much,
I wish that there was more of you to touch.”

Yes, this is the same song that Smash Mouth murdered a few years back – Colourfield also did a version at one point, and in fact, the first act to record it was the Four Seasons.  (I just really like having an excuse to say ‘Question Mark and the Mysterians‘).

But enough banter.  On with the daftosity.

As much as I personally may think that anorexia is a bad bad thing, and that women should have curves in the places evolution shaped them to, I’m aware that this culture, as a whole, has a morbid fascination with painfully thin women.

On that basis, a lyric that basically says “I wish you were fatter” is, quite simply, poor tactics for any man hoping to actually hold on to his girlfriend.  I hasten to point out that this only applies to any girlfriend whose head  has been warped by popular culture into thinking that she’s always too fat, even as her last few hairs fall from her head from lack of nutrition.

Well, enough political incorrectness for one day, methinks.  But before I go, does anyone else think that Question Mark and the Mysterians sounds like the name of a villain and his henchentities from the old Batman show?  Perhaps that’s why in other parts of the song, the singer (presumably Mr. Q. Mark his own bad self) also wishes that his girlfriend had various superhuman powers, notably stretching (ala Plastic Man) and duplication (ala Duo Damsel) .

Alright.  I confess, I’ve never actually performed the experiment and I am merely assuming what the results would be.  Nevertheless, outside of the occasional Disney animation, [...]]]> “And it seems to me,
That you lived your life like a candle in the wind,
Never knowing who to cling to when the rain set in”

Alright.  I confess, I’ve never actually performed the experiment and I am merely assuming what the results would be.  Nevertheless, outside of the occasional Disney animation, I’ve never seen any candle anywhere cling to, well, anything.

This may have something to do with candles being inanimate objects, but like I say, I haven’t done the experiement.  Maybe if left in the rain, candles really do cling.  (Of course, you’d have to perform your tests with at least two candles, since the song fails to specify at any point whether the candle is lit or not.)

Here’s the thing about jellyfish: they don’t shake.

Either they undulate or float (if they’re still in their natural habitat) or they just [...]]]> This thing called love
It cries (like a baby) in a cradle all night
It swings (woo woo) it jives (woo woo)
It shakes all over like a jellyfish

Here’s the thing about jellyfish: they don’t shake.

Either they undulate or float (if they’re still in their natural habitat) or they just kinda collapse and dehydrate (if removed from it). What they don’t do is shake.

To be fair, if you used a jelly mold that was in the shape of a fish, you could then make a jelly fish that would shake just like a crazy little thing called love apparently does…

Some songs are just too easy. A case in point – “Cry Little Sister” is a confusing mishmash of overly portentious mixed metaphors in nearly every [...]]]> Come to your brother – Thou shall not die
Unchain me, sister – Thou shall not fear
Love is with your brother – Thou shall not kill

Some songs are just too easy. A case in point – “Cry Little Sister” is a confusing mishmash of overly portentious mixed metaphors in nearly every line.

And where it isn’t – well, it demands the use of a new term for whatever you call a meaning that’s somewhere between subtext and text. Specifically: tell me that the man singing this song is not harbouring some sort of incestuous desire for his sis. And apparently some worries for his safety after he tells her so…

Lionel Richie cares deeply about your safety.

That’s why, as much as he appreciates and enjoys your partying spirit, he’s worried that you might fall off the ceiling – which is, [...]]]> The only thing we wanna do tonight
Is go round and round
and turn upside down
Come on, let’s get down

Lionel Richie cares deeply about your safety.

That’s why, as much as he appreciates and enjoys your partying spirit, he’s worried that you might fall off the ceiling – which is, after all, not a terribly normal place to dance – and thus, he advises you to get down off of it.

Also, cleaning your dirty footprints off the ceiling is going to be a bitch already, but the longer you dance there, the worse it gets.