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“Give me a sign – hit me baby one more time” Umm, okay. This is the relationship you’re desperate to go back to? Where the guy beats you? I mean, okay, you want him to, and maybe it’s some sort of completely adult consensual S&M type thing which is no one’s business but yours and his… …of course, if that’s the case, why did you make millions of people all over the world hear about it?
 Black velvet and that little boy’s smile Okay, I’m a little confused. In a clip mostly notable for how much blue denim it features, it appears that a country singer is prophesying the coming of some sort of Gothic cult to her beloved Dixie… Which presumably means that Alannah Myles predicted “True Blood” a good decade or so before Charlaine Harris published the first one. “I love you so much, Yes, this is the same song that Smash Mouth murdered a few years back – Colourfield also did a version at one point, and in fact, the first act to record it was the Four Seasons. (I just really like having an excuse to say ‘Question Mark and the Mysterians‘). But enough banter. On with the daftosity. As much as I personally may think that anorexia is a bad bad thing, and that women should have curves in the places evolution shaped them to, I’m aware that this culture, as a whole, has a morbid fascination with painfully thin women. On that basis, a lyric that basically says “I wish you were fatter” is, quite simply, poor tactics for any man hoping to actually hold on to his girlfriend. I hasten to point out that this only applies to any girlfriend whose head has been warped by popular culture into thinking that she’s always too fat, even as her last few hairs fall from her head from lack of nutrition. Well, enough political incorrectness for one day, methinks. But before I go, does anyone else think that Question Mark and the Mysterians sounds like the name of a villain and his henchentities from the old Batman show? Perhaps that’s why in other parts of the song, the singer (presumably Mr. Q. Mark his own bad self) also wishes that his girlfriend had various superhuman powers, notably stretching (ala Plastic Man) and duplication (ala Duo Damsel) .
“And it seems to me, Alright. I confess, I’ve never actually performed the experiment and I am merely assuming what the results would be. Nevertheless, outside of the occasional Disney animation, I’ve never seen any candle anywhere cling to, well, anything. This may have something to do with candles being inanimate objects, but like I say, I haven’t done the experiement. Maybe if left in the rain, candles really do cling. (Of course, you’d have to perform your tests with at least two candles, since the song fails to specify at any point whether the candle is lit or not.)
Some songs are just too easy. A case in point – “Cry Little Sister” is a confusing mishmash of overly portentious mixed metaphors in nearly every line. And where it isn’t – well, it demands the use of a new term for whatever you call a meaning that’s somewhere between subtext and text. Specifically: tell me that the man singing this song is not harbouring some sort of incestuous desire for his sis. And apparently some worries for his safety after he tells her so…
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