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Lysterfield

Few people have ever wondered what happens to the various species of chastity troll (mouth trolls, pussy trolls and heinie trolls are the best known breeds, but there are also nostril trolls, earhole trolls and random infected piercing trolls) when they reach the mobile phase of their lifecycles (after spending up to 21 years in their sessile phase within the body of a human female).

In fact, life is hard for them outside of their accustomed protective environment, and few survive past the first week after their expulsion. Of the ones who do, most of them answer a migratory call that seems inscribed in their genetic code as something akin to a race memory. They head for the troll graveyard, and achieving it, lie down and die, just as the elephants of old were rumoured to do.

In Australia, the only known troll graveyard is located in the wilderness beyond Rowville, and named for the earliest known troll to find its way there: a mouth troll by the name of Lysterfiend, who found its way there in the 1920s. Justly famed among his kind for this feat, many mouth trolls since then have been named after him.

Suburbs near Lysterfield:

Huntingdale

Traditionally, a dale is a valley located in an otherwise hilly area. This clearly does not apply to Huntingdale, which is a flat area located in the middle of a larger flat area. It could arguably be considered a part of a large dale – one covering a goodly portion of the south eastern suburbs of Melbourne – but even compared to neighbouring suburbs, it is a tiny area.

Nor, given the fact that it is a flat plain that never had much more than scrub bush on it, can it truly be considered a good place for hunting – even to the British idiots who introduced rabbits to Australia, and thought they were fun to hunt. Rabbits could be found in more attractive surroundings if hunting them was one’s goal.

So there is this suburb with its portmanteau name, in which both roots of the portmanteau are demonstrably false. Clearly, there is more here than meets the eye. But it takes a look at the big picture to grasp the true significance. Huntingdale is located in close proximity to Monash University, and the majority of its inhabitants are students of that institution.

And there are those in Melbourne who hunt the most dangerous game, or, in its absence, free range soylent green.

Suburbs near Huntingdale:

1945 – The Trinity nuclear test is carried out

The world entered a new age – the nuclear age – when the scientists and soldiers of the Manhattan Project test detonated the first ever atomic bomb at White Sands in Nevada. Less than a month later, two more bombs just like it would destroy Hiroshima and Nagasaki, bringing World War Two to an abrupt end.

On the day, however, no one knew quite how destructive the bomb would be (some worried that it would ignite the entire atmosphere of the planet, for example), or how long its effects would last. But after the explosion, Robert Oppenheimer’s apropos quote from the Bhavagad Gita was generally agreed to be the most apt: “Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”

Referenced in:
Russians — Sting

Fijana

One of the deadliest poisons known to the world of the two moons, fijana is particularly popular among the Asharites, and has been used on more than one occasion in political assassinations, the best known of which was the killing of King Almalik of Cartada, the last Lion of Al-Rassan by Ammar ibn-Khairan and his own son, Prince Almalik.

fijana is a subtle poison with no strong flavour, administered either orally or to the bloodstream for a quicker effect. When ingested, it causes a congestion of the blood vessels, leading to the throat of the victim swelling shut only seconds before heart failure results in death. fijana is, thankfully, rare and expensive.

Lyndhurst

Gwendolyn Durst was given up for adoption shortly after her birth in 1943. Her mother has never been identified, having given a fake name at the hospital, but her father has: American soldier, and later real estate developer, Seymour Durst. Gwendolyn (‘Lyn’ to her friends) was the result of a passionate night spent together by her parents before her father was posted to the front. He never met his daughter, and she assumed for many years that he had perished during the war (because that was what the nuns told her had happened).

Gwendolyn was a good student with an innate entrepreneurial bent. In her high school’s graduating class, she was not voted “Most likely to succeed” only because in 1961 girls at her school were not eligible in that category. She quickly got a job as a secretary in a local real estate agency, and began working her way up. The Sixties were a heady time of promiscuity, drug use, political activism and artistic endeavours for many of Gwendolyn’s generation, but not for her: a teetotaler and virgin, she was concerned only with making money and obsessively re-reading the works of Ayn Rand.

At the end of her first decade in the real estate business, she was the owner and manager of a small network of four agencies spread across Melbourne’s south east, about to expand with fifth and sixth offices opening in Mornington and Sorrento, and looking to get into the property development market.

It was at this point in her life that she learned of her father’s identity, and of the uncanny parallels between their careers. She repeatedly tried to contact him, but Durst ignored her, believing her to be a liar and gold-digger (which was true, but not in this particular context). Gwendolyn became increasingly embittered with her father over the course of the following decade, but it was learning of his plans to construct a National Debt Clock in New York – an act that she considered a betrayal of the political and economic beliefs she had assumed that they shared – that drove her over the edge. The housing development she had intended to name after him was instead named for herself. Ayn Rand would have been proud.

Suburbs near Lyndhurst:

1950 – The USAF begins bombing operations in the Korean War

The 19th, 22nd and 92nd Bombardment Groups were reassigned from Strategic Air Commaned bases in the United States to new bases in South Korea and placed under the overall command of the Far East Air Force of the United States after the North Korean aerial attacks of June 25, 1950. Mostly flying B-29 Superfortresses, these three units were later reinforced by elements of other bombing groups, and defended on sorties by a range of fighter aircraft.

Over the course of the war, B-29s flew 20,000 sorties and dropped 200,000 tonnes (180,000 tons) of bombs. B-29 gunners are credited with shooting down 27 enemy aircraft during the conflict.

Referenced in:
I Bombed Korea — Cake

Brighton

A not inconsiderable amount of effort has gone into concealing the truth of Brighton. A conspiracy of cartographers, historians and politicians has whitewashed the history of this once vibrant area, leaving behind only patrician airs and suspiciously new-looking ‘Edwardian’ architecture.

In 1978, one Professor Pariedolia either did or did not battle his (or possibly her) arch-nemesis (or possibly best friend), Jack Tyme. The battle, which may or may not have occurred in Harlem, if indeed it occurred (and assuming, of course, that Harlem is a real place), resulted in a temporal paradox (or in no discernible effect whatsoever). A slice of Harlem was somehow transposed to the Melbourne bayside of more than a century earlier, where it existed or did not exist overlaying the original reality (assuming that the words ‘original’ and ‘reality’ have meaning in this context.) (Or any other.) Here, it endlessly replayed a single week of 1978 over and over, or possibly only once, repeatedly.

It is unclear – indeed, all of this is unclear – whether the Harlem in question was a real Harlem or some fictional analogue (or possibly the Harlem of some alternate timeline – but that way lies madness, although madness with really fun drugs). What is clear is that the residents of neighbouring areas had a great deal of trouble understanding the patois, the dialogue, the lingo of the native Harlemites, and thus came to believe that their name for the area was a phrase they used with great oftenness: “Right on”.

When the effect vanished, when the actual 1978 and that particular week rolled around, moves were taken swiftly to sweep the entire confusing incident under the rug. Anyone who refused to go along with it was rounded up, and subjected to a combination of a week long Blaxploitation film festival at the Brighton Bay cinema, where they were force fed large amounts of amphetamines and hallucinogens – thus rendering their true witness accounts into the stuff of drug-crazed ranting.

Professor Pariedolia would have been proud, assuming that he actually existed and was not merely an urban myth devised by the NYPD to explain their poor performance in the 1970s.

Suburbs near Brighton:

Port Phillip Bay Elwood Elwood Elwood Elsternwick Caulfield Caulfield
Port Phillip Bay Elwood Brighton Elsternwick Elsternwick Caulfield Caulfield
Port Phillip Bay Brighton Brighton Elsternwick Elsternwick Caulfield Caulfield
Port Phillip Bay Brighton Brighton Elsternwick Elsternwick Caulfield South Caulfield South
Port Phillip Bay Brighton Brighton Brighton Gardenvale Caulfield South Caulfield South
Port Phillip Bay Brighton Brighton Brighton Brighton East Ormond Ormond
Port Phillip Bay Brighton Brighton Brighton Brighton East McKinnon McKinnon
Port Phillip Bay Brighton Brighton Brighton Brighton East Bentliegh Bentliegh
Port Phillip Bay Brighton Brighton Brighton Brighton East Brighton East Bentliegh
Port Phillip Bay Hampton Hampton Hampton Hampton Hampton East Moorabbin

Pascoe Vale

Some days, it’s very hard not to feel sorry for John Batman. The other John, John Pascoe Fawkner, has two large suburbs named for him. Batman has a train station and a few local streets to which Australia Post will grudgingly deliver mail if addressed that way.

The larger of Fawkner’s two suburbs is Pascoe Vale, named for him and also because it is, mostly, a vale (more accurately, a series of vales and some of the adjacent hilltops). But Pascoe Vale was not always called that (it was Moonee Vale first, for the Moonee Ponds Creek that flows through the vale in question), and it is mostly John Batman’s fault that it has the name it does.

In 1835, as the syphilis that would eventually claim his life made him irrational and short-tempered (or moreso, according to some), Batman demanded that he be allowed to address the informal gathering of the colony’s leaders. In his speech, he excoriated each of them, individually and collectively, for what he considered to be deficiencies of character and virtue, accusing them finally of being engaged in a criminal conspiracy to kill his son (who had drowned in the Yarra by accident, and whose death Batman never fully got over).

As a result, when the first colonial Parliament was established, these men, still smarting from the now-deceased Batman’s words, named two suburbs after his greatest rival and none after him.

In the end, the victory was to be Batman’s, and he needs not our pity. It’s not like small boys all over the world tie improvised capes around their necks and pretend to be John Pascoe Fawkner, after all.

Suburbs near Pascoe Vale:

Glenroy Glenroy Hadfield Hadfield
Oak Park Pascoe Vale Pascoe Vale Coburg North
Strathmore Pascoe Vale Pascoe Vale Coburg North
Strathmore Pascoe Vale Pascoe Vale Coburg
Strathmore Pascoe Vale South Pascoe Vale South Coburg
Essendon Pascoe Vale South Pascoe Vale South Coburg
Essendon Essendon Pascoe Vale South Coburg
Essendon Essendon Brunswick West Brunswick

1968 – The Doors release “Waiting For The Sun”

Ironically, the title track of this album does not appear on it. (It was later released on their 1970 album, “Morrison Hotel”.) There were two singles from this album, “The Unknown Soldier” and the #1 hit, “Hello, I Love You” – other tracks included “Spanish Caravan”, “Five To One” and “Love Street”.

The album itself also went to number one on the charts – and it’s not even the Doors’ best-selling album. It is also the shortest of all of the Doors’ albums, with a total running time of only 32 minutes and 59 seconds.

Referenced in:
Bug Powder Dust — Bomb The Bass

Update: Week Ending July 21, 2014

Things are a little chaotic at the moment – I’m about to move house, and The Truth About Melbourne is scheduled to be completed by the end of this month – so I trust you’ll forgive any irregularities. I’ll try to keep them to a minimum.
Continue reading Update: Week Ending July 21, 2014

Kensington

Kenneth Albert Bulworth was a big man in the community in the early days of Flemington. Not exactly a popular or well-liked man, but a very, very respected one. Mostly because he was nearly seven feet tall and widely reputed to be the most ruthless and vicious of the various crime lords in the area.

Ken began his career as a standover man, mostly serving as muscle for protection rackets, but he had ambitions. He quickly took over the small gang that he started with, and over time, forged a large criminal syndicate out of the various gangs and independent criminals operating in his area. Those who did not work for him directly were usually still obligated to pay him a percentage for the privilege of operating in his territory. In gold rush era Melbourne, this made him a wealthy man, but not so wealthy that he didn’t still want more.

In the winter of 1860, he heard the first rumours regarding the race that would become the Melbourne Cup, to be held at the nearby Flemington Racecourse, and decided that he wanted a piece of that action. Over the next year, he and his followers fought a bitter turf war with the syndicates that controlled the races and the highly lucrative gambling that went with them. By August of 1861, three months before the race was to be run, victory was in his grasp, and he planned his final strike.

But Ken Bulworth was betrayed by the man known to history as “Faceless” McGee (a name referring to how he looked after Ken got word of his betrayal). When he went to meet his men at their staging area, he was instead set upon by his enemies and taken prisoner. He was never seen alive again, although his true fate remains a mystery. It is widely believed that the night before the inaugural Cup was run, he was executed by being dragged around the track behind a certain racehorse (the one he had intended to have win the race had his fix gone to plan).

However, the questions surrounding his disappearance only added to his reputation, particularly in the south part of Flemington he had called home, and for years afterwards, mothers would use him as a boogeyman figure, scaring their children with just three words, words that would in time rename the area: “Ken’s in town.”

Suburbs near Kensington:

2013 – The Guardian and The Washington Post report on PRISM surveillance

Edward Snowden became a household name when he leaked a series of explosive documents detailing the NSA’s PRISM program, which was allowed for warrantless surveillance of a vast amount of the internet. Email, chat, voip, social media, file transfers and other data usage – there are several companies providing this information, and the exact details of what data is available vary from company to company. The list of participating companies includes Microsoft, Yahoo, Google, Facebook, PalTalk, AOL, Skype, YouTube and Apple – and all these companies are willingly cooperating the the US government (and certain of its allies) to provide this data.

The leaks were first reported in The Guardian and The Washington Post, but the world media was quick to pick up on the story, and further leaks were published by those two newspapers and others. Reaction was mixed: some saw Snowden as a hero, others as a traitor.

The PRISM program continues largely unchanged by the revelations, although it is claimed that some terrorists have changed their communication patterns in attempts to evade it.

Referenced in:
Party at the NSA — YACHT

Onianism

Onianism
-noun

  1. The state of being free from demonic possession.
  2. The ‘default setting’ of human consciousness.
  3. Sanity.